- Hey. - Look, I know
we've known each other for a really long time.
And we live across the street from each other and stuff.
And...
I know, like, in four days,
I'm sure, if...
- You know, prom's, like, in four days... - Oh, my God.
You're not asking me to prom, are you?
Fuck, no.
No, I... No, I just...
- You're probably going with someone. - I'm sorry.
I don't know how to put this nicely.
There's not a nice way to put it.
You're a fucking nerd.
And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.
Look at her. Look at her.
- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. - I'll see you later.
- Bye. - All right, buddy, good talk.
Dude, classic.
Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.
- Shit. - Good luck, bro.
I said loud and clear,
if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.
You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.
I should pay who?
You're not going to the prom.
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
But I'm going to be prom king.
I'm glad you had a great time in school.
'Cause you ain't learned nothing.
Fuck! Fuck!
Welcome to the Police Academy.
Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.
Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!
Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.
Oh, fuck!
- You're good at this, huh? - Yeah, lam.
Thank you.
Such bullshit.
You're really good at this.
Yeah, I am.
Hey, you want to be friends?
Come on. Come on, let's go.
Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.
I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.
Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.
What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Faster. Let's go.
Clear!
Come on, come on, come on! Stop.
Yes! Yes!
Let me see. Let me see.
Nice.
Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.
I am.
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions,
and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.
Do you guys really think this is a police matter?
To get your Frisbee back?
Get your own fucking Frisbee.
Shit.
Shit! Shit!
Yours isn't loaded, right?
We're supposed to unload them first, right?
What, you... No.
That's no fun. Come on.
Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."
It's right there.
- Don't you... Don't... - Don't. Stop it.
Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.
You feel like a big shot?
No fucking way.
One Percenters?
These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.
If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.
You see what I see?
Cannabis sativa.
Chaka Khan.
Chaka Khan?
Gentlemen. We having a little party?
Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
I have glaucoma.
I get nervous in crowds.
Herpes.
Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?
Go ahead. You won't find shit.
- Get up. - Célmate, gringo.
Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.
I know, right? I know.
It's hilarious.
So why don't you show us a little respect?
- Fuck you, pig - - Hey.
You want me to beat your dick off?
You want to beat my dick off?
I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
- That's weird, man. - I think what he was trying to say was,
he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area
that your dick's just going to fall off.
Why do you have salt in your...
- That's actual drugs. - Oh, my God.
Get on the ground! Hey!
- Come here now! - What do I do?
- Chase someone! - Chase someone?
Are you leaving your bike here?
Okay. All right.
Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!
No! Get out of the way!
Stop!
I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!
Hey! Come here!
I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!
I got him. I got him.
Freeze! Freeze!
Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!
That's it! Come here!
Freeze! Stop it!
You're a pussy!
You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...
...to suck my dick, motherfucker!
My elbow.
- You got nothing. - How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?
- Hey! Hey! - How's it feel? How's it feel now?
That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!
We got one! I got him!
Yes! Yes!
- Yeah! - We got an arrest!
- Yeah! We got him! - Yes!
- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! - Fuck you! Yeah!
What's up?
Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!
- That's right. - Fuck you, park!
- We arrest people now! - What up, park?
- What's up? What's up? - What up, park? Who wants one?
Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.
- Thank you, Cinnamon. - Are those new?
The department was forced to drop the charges
because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.
What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing
you have to do when arresting someone?
I did read him his right... I did a version of that.
- Do you even know the Miranda rights? - Yes.
Let's hear them, then.
You got a lot of stuff to do.
No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?
We got time.
I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.
Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,
for a total of 57 words.
Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."
I know you've heard this before. And then,
I think it sounds something like...
- "You have the right to an attorney." - Well, the thing... Yeah, right.
"You have the right to remain an attorney."
Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.
Where were you?
I was chasing my perp, sir.
And how did that go for you?
Honestly, he did get away,
and he threw me down pretty hard.
Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
Can I see that?
Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.
Wow.
Fortunately for you two,
we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s
and revamping it for modern times.
You see, the guys in charge of this stuff
lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,
so all they do now is recycle shit from the past
and expect us all not to notice.
One of these programs involves the use of young,
immature-seeming officers.
Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like,
a child sex slavery ring or something?
Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.
It's just... I'd prefer not to.
I think you idiots are perfect.
You're officially transferred.
- All right. Yeah. - That's great.
Where should we report to?
Down on Jump Street.
37 Jump Street.
No, that doesn't sound right.
Is it...
This has got to be a joke.
This is it.
Aroma of Christ Church?
How's it going?
This place is weird.
Everybody comfortable?
Yeah.
Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!
You will be going undercover as high school students.
You are here simply because you look young.
You some Justin Beaver,
Miley Cyrus-looking motherfuckers.
Captain Sassy.
I know what you're thinking,
"Angry Black Captain."
It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.
Well, guess what, motherfuckers.
I'm black.
And I worked my ass off to be the captain!
And sometimes I get angry.
So suck a dick!
What I'm trying to show you is,
embrace your stereotypes.
Like this guy right here. Handsome.
And he's probably a dummy.
And then this guy.
He's short and insecure.
And he's probably good with money.
- You are good with money. - What the fuck?
Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?
I don't... I actually didn't...
I didn't get a letter or anything.
- Yeah, like, a start time... - With a dress code or anything like that.
Teenage the fuck up!
Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.
Do not get expelled.
Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.
You get kicked out of school,
your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.
Rule number two. Burns.
Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
You hear that? That's you.
- Don't do it, man. - Why...
- Keep that dirty dick in your pants. - Dirty?
Don't fuck no students.
Don't fuck no teachers.
Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady-killers,
but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.
You cherub-looking motherfucker.
I was talking to your partner over here.
Fake-ass Handsome McGee.
When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.
When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"
- I'm talking to you. - Cool.
Now, you two sons of bitches, in my office now.
Right now!
Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.
So I bought these,
which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.
Cheers.
It's a new synthetic drug.
Goes by the street name H.F.S.
Holy fucking shit.
Holy...
They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?
They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.
So you should blend right in.
Jessica, will you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer. It's yes.
I could watch this kid all day.
Man, this kid rules.
Ruled.
His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.
He's dead.
Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.
And as you can see, this kid is white.
That means people actually give a shit.
Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.
Right now, H.F.S. Is contained right there at Sagan High.
Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.
Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.
I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses
like photography and drama.
Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.
Find out who's slinging this shit.
Schmidt, says you were a virgin
-through high school. - It says that?
No. I just assumed it,
due to your many years on the honor roll and your membership to the juggling squad.
It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. it's fine.
They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.
That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.
I enrolled you into honors chemistry.
Here's your new identities, all right?
Brad and Doug McQuaid.
The mission is this.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
We get to be brothers?
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Hey, Korean Jesus.
I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians
or if you even exist. No offense.
I just...
I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.
It was just so fucking hard the first time.
I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.
Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up.
I'm sorry for swearing so much.
The end?
I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?
Yeah.
Hey! Hey!
Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!
With Korean shit.
- You two get to your mama house ASAP. - What?
You're teenagers now, all right?
You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house
for the duration of this assignment.
Fuck me.
This house is adorable.
My baby's home! Come here.
You will always be my infant angel baby child.
There's my QW -
It's great to see you guys.
- Hey. - Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.
Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?
- This is unbelievable. - Well, yeah.
- I guess I did. - It's gorgeous!
So are you.
Honey, listen, I want to tell you, we did blow up the air mattress in your room
'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area,
so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.
No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.
Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.
Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?
I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash
- And you guys haven't moved on. - Rid of it?
If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.
I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,
but completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
That is a great picture, Morton.
You look like a young Jay Leno.
Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
No.
I remember. You know why?
Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.
I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer.
It's literally a medal for sucking.
- No, that is a medal for trying. - Yes.
Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.
That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.
What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She's going to tell the whole neighborhood.
I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.
"Undercover." That's so cute.
- I'm going upstairs. - Okay, honey. I want you to know
- We are so glad you're here. - Okay.
That's great. Thank you.
- All right. Where is he? - He's upstairs.
He just needs to take a little rest, and then he's dying to see you, too.
- Bye-bye. - I baked muffins!
If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.
You got to study this stuff.
Forget those identities. They're bullshit. They said I was held back a year.
You were. You were held back two years.
Just 'cause it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.
Fuck! Socks don't match.
I got to start all over.
It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.
You know, back in the day, you were super popular,
and I wasn't as much.
We didn't really get along in high school.
You don't think that's going to happen again, do you?
No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.
It's definitely not going to happen again.
- We're good. - Cool.
Beautiful day out there, boys.
Just shut up.
"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
"You have the right to an attorney.
"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."
Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.
Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.
All right, let's do it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?
What are you doing?
- What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapping?
- My backpack? Yeah. - Yeah, I got to be seen with you.
You got to one-strap it.
Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible.
Okay, what makes you the expert?
I was cool in high school, and you weren't.
Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.
One, don't try hard at anything.
Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.
Three, be handsome.
Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,
you punch them directly in the face.
Five, drive a kick-ass car.
Shit.
All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,
revving up the engine and shit, okay?
We would never.
Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.
- Hey' You ready? - Go! '
That was awesome! That was amazing.
- Was I flying? - That was amazing.
All right, do mine, do mine.
- Okay, ready? Here I go. - Yeah, yeah.
You okay?
I think I shit my pants.
Hey, park in that handicapped spot.
- It'll make us look cool. - That's awesome.
Dude?
- Everybody's two-strapping it. - Just stay with the one-strap.
I can't. I can't. I can't right now.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't succumb to the peer pressure.
- What are you doing? - You're supposed to use two straps.
- One strap is peer pressure. - No. No. You're fucking up right now.
Okay, those are Goths.
Those are nerds.
I don't know what they are.
What the fuck are those things?
I'm so confused right now.
Whoa.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Good morning.
Hey, yo. Hey.
- Is that your car? - Yeah.
What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?
No, try, like, seven.
- What about you? - Biodiesel, dawg.
Smells like egg rolls.
Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.
Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.
You don't care about the environment? That's kind of fucked up, man.
Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?
I'm trying to study. Thanks.
Look at him. He's trying.
He's actually trying. What a nerd.
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.
- Look at him. Look at the nerd. - Who you calling a nerd, man?
I'm sorry. What...
- Shit! - Shit, dude.
Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?
Well, turn that gay-ass music off.
- You punched me because I'm gay? - What?
No. Come on.
That's not cool, man.
That is really insensitive.
I didn't punch him because he's gay.
I punched him, and then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.
- I was gay when you punched me! - In a weird way,
it might have been homophobic not to punch you
- Just because you were gay. - Right.
You punched a little gay black kid in the face,
and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...
Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?
A kid died the other day from drugs,
and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.
That's weird, guys.
And then you two show up, with 30 days left,
causing trouble in my school.
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face
away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?
You guys cross my line again,
and you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you. You got me?
All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?
Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Which one of you is named Doug?
- No, dude, I'm Brad. - Okay, good.
So that means your name is Doug, son.
- Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great.
Here are your class schedules.
Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.
I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
Thank you.
Now we have the wrong identities, you dumb-ass.
I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing.
Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?
I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks.
AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,
because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!
It's going to be fine. You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.
Okay, now, chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?
Fuck.
So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.
Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.
When I was a young actor just starting out in New York state,
Albany, to be exact,
- I booked a local television commercial... - Hey.
...In which I had to play a young man...
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?
No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
I was just busting your balls.
Okay. Good.
I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,
and we were having so much fun.
And then I realized that she was dead.
I remember one summer...
Do kids still do this stuff?
Even after what happened to him?
Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.
Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it's not my thing.
It's not really my thing, either,
but a buddy of mine really wants it.
Who would he call if he wanted it?
Well, you can tell your friend
that if he really wanted it,
it's not so hard to find.
When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.
Drugs are bad.
But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."
New person. Mr. Texty Texty.
Since you have so much to say to Molly,
let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.
You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something
Doug, you never won't know
what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.
My point is,
you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
Yeah, sure.
My favorite molecule is water.
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter
Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm.
It allowed life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash our cars.
H2O.
H2O. H2O.
- H20 - It's okay. Thank you.
Thank you, Zack. So good.
All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?
Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.
A what?
I'm sorry.
What is your name? Brad?
- Brad. Yes, ma'am. - Wow. Look at you,
Brad. Big.
What is a pop Quiznos?
It's a quiz, and the first person who finishes gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.
- Today's quiz is on... - You look really old.
- Were you held back or something or... - No. You look super young.
Were you held forward?
I went to school in France, so
And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there. It's so lame.
French, the language of love.
That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.
Hey.
Good luck.
I've gotta crow
I'm just the cleverest...
Okay.
Maybe try one cooler.
And faster.
And louder. And better.
And less insecure and more just cool.
Okay, yeah, those are great notes.
I'm going to run outside,
and I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.
It's such bullshit.
Wow. You're fast.
Not like that. Just, let me check you out.
Let me check out your chest.
Check out your test... Let me...
Let me grade your quiz.
Can I go take a dump?
Yeah, okay. That's cool.
We have this "hurry back" rule,
so if you're not back in six minutes, I have to send you to the principal.
Rules are rules, so,
I guess this will have to be a quickie.
- Which way is yearbook? - I don't know.
- Is it this way? - I don't know!
- Yo. - Hey.
YOU guys, huh?
That was a total mix-up, what happened earlier.
- Yeah. - He feels awful. He feels...
Totally, very nervous.
You're the dealer?
- You're the dealer guy? - Is that you?
Yep.
So do you make the stuff or...
Do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.
- Yeah, he just sells it. Come on - Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
- I meant I just... - How many you guys want?
20 bucks a pop.
One each? One pop each of drugs.
You guys aren't narcs, are you?
Whoa!
- Dude, come on. - No! Maybe you're a narc.
You know who calls people narcs?
Narcs, narc.
First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,
because if you call us narcs,
if narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...
- 'Cause you just said that. - They call people...
Look, I don't have time for this shit. You guys want to do this or not?
- Jesus. - Yes.
- Yes, yes. - No problem.
All right, take it here so I know you're cool.
I'm sorry. What?
- We were going to take it home. - I gotta go back to class,
- Is the only thing. - I was thinking that I was going to go home,
maybe turn down the lights,
getting snuggy, get a little weird.
I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.
Okay, I'm not asking. Take it now or get the fuck out.
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.
Yeah?
Yeah, no, it's all good.
- I love doing drugs at school. - I'll just take the drugs right here,
in our mouths.
There you go. That's it.
What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?
Have fun.
- You got to pull the trigger! - Okay.
You got to pull the trigger!
- We got to throw up, man. - I can't.
We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.
Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.
- You fucking think of something. - Okay, all right, all right.
Your grandma's vagina, and there's a dick going into it.
- What the fuck are you saying? - I don't know! I'm just trying!
- I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! - Fuck! Come on, man!
Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.
- No! - Yeah.
No, you're not fingering my mouth.
- Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? - Okay, fine!
Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!
What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot?
- Just stick it in! - I don't know. I've never done this before!
Just stick it in! Go!
Cut your fucking fingernails!
Oh, God!
Is it me?
I'm sorry.
I just can't sometimes.
Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.
Me, neither.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got a pass for running around the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?
Pass, in your hand.
Hello.
Damn. You guys are late.
Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.
- No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. - Come on, please.
You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.
When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?
You look like you're in your mid-20s, for crying out loud.
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.
I read your file.
You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.
What the hell was that? God damn it, son!
Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?
I consider that a threat.
I was just saying that I'm Doug.
I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.
That's Brad.
You're the new kid who's All County in track?
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,
the track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.
He's really fast.
Is this funny to you guys?
So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.
You're Doug. You're Doug.
Here's the deal.
My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.
I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off
at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,
so I need you.
I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Understand?
I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
Don't blow on me, son.
I haven't trained.
Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.
Do we have a deal?
Yes.
Nice.
I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it
What are you doing? Stop it.
Actually, that's not bad.
All right, here you go.
Are you guys on drugs?
Okay.
One particle of Unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.
Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.
Fuck you, science!
All right, all right, we're good.
We're good. We're good, man. We're good.
We're good, baby.
Good work. Hit that shit.
I've gotta crow
I'm just the cleverest fellow
'Twas ever my fortune to know
I taught a trick to my shadow
To stick to the tip of my toe
I've gotta crow
I've gotta
Crow!
Christoph, did you feel that?
Who are you?
Welcome aboard, Peter.
No, keep it going!
Keep it going. That was so tight!
No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.
All right, let's go, McQuaid!
All right! Yeah!
I like it! I like the confidence, son!
I know y'all seen this shit before.
I know you've seen this shit before.
Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.
You're looking amped!
Here we go.
Here we go! Here we go!
Hey, pick it up!
Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?
What are you doing? Pick it...
What? McQuaid!
Don't throw the baton, you jackass!
Come on!
McQuaid!
Run that way!
Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!
Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!
Let's go! Come on!
Oh, my God.
No, no.
No, stop.
Come here. Come here.
Don't make a...
That is a baton penis.
Speak of the devil!
Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.
Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.
That's just what I do.
Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?
I don't get this school.
That was awesome.
Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.
It's awesome. You're really going to like it.
All yarn work was done by Jenko.
Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids,
but they're not normal popular.
They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone
that they're cool, and they're not cool.
It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.
Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.
Sick chicks, killer steeze.
Did the AIDS run this year.
He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,
and he totally gets me.
Who put this together? Are you autistic?
It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,
- The yarn actually indicates... - We're compiling a list
of suspicious types at school. The users are here.
This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.
Cut the bullshit!
I want to know who's the supplier.
We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.
That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Simple.
Sounds like you guys really cracked the whole case.
Great job. You guys are on fire
- So proud. - Like you could do any better?
We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs
stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.
- What? - Meanwhile, you two were standing around
finger-popping each other's assholes.
We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.
What we're doing is getting shit done.
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech
drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.
- Password! - Open the door!
- You have to say the password. - I'm sorry. What?
What are you...
Geez.
What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?
Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Bakugan? You dealing drugs?
- Let me see. You dealing drugs? - No.
It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.
- See? They open up. - Battle Brawlers.
- You're not doing anything illegal? - No.
- What are you doing in here? - I'm here to study.
Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...
You're behind. I'm ahead.
- I know everything. - Really?
What's a covalent bond?
Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.
I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry
I just... I don't think you know everything.
I know everything.
Okay.
What kind of bullshit do they say about a covalent bond in this school?
They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.
It helps them to stick together.
I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.
What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
I crack and jailbreak kids' phones to try and save for college.
You know, I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?
No, no, I can't install a spyware to remotely monitor calls
or anything that the mic picks up.
- I can't do that at all. - Wait, you can't do it?
No, I can't.
- Is he being sarcastic? - I don't know.
So you can.
Liking comic books is popular.
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.
If I was just born 10 years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.
I know. It's bullshit.
You know what?
I totally know the cause.
Glee. Fuck you, Glee.
Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.
I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.
We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
You saying we should throw a party?
I'll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric,
and that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.
Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?
I think it would be better if you get in
with the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.
That'd be the best thing for the case.
Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.
- Hello? - Hey. Is this Molly?
Speaking.
Hey. It's Schmidt.
It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.
Hey, man.
It's so weird that you're calling me.
I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.
I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together,
-and... - Hello?
Mom, get off the phone!
Sorry, Do!-IQ,
-my teen son. - Mom!
I love you, honey, Dougie, Doug, Douglas McQuaid.
Mom, so serious right now! Stop!
I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.
She just, like, smothers me with affection and makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.
Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.
There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.
The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.
I didn't, though, just to be clear.
Yeah, because you already had one.
Exactly. I already had one.
And you don't need two vaginae. You just don't.
Although you could use one as a coin purse.
I never got any stuffed animals growing up.
Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.
My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
I'm just fucking with you.
That is a weird joke.
I thought your dad abandoned your family.
No, he did walk out on us, though.
But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.
Just broken dreams.
Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say
well,
that there are some good guys out there,
and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience
taint your memory.
Oh, my God.
Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.
No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.
Yeah. Well, thanks.
Normal transition here.
Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!
You and Eric and Juario, whatever.
Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?
Okay. Yeah, yeah!
I should call you back.
Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.
-5ye-bye. B ye_ - Bye.
What the fuck are you...
Are y'all throwing a party?
- What? - There's rumors in the Twittersphere.
And if any of my officers
are caught giving alcohol to minors,
they'll find theyself in prison
with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth
and me shitting down that snorkel.
That's extremely vivid. Thank you.
You're the best. You are the best.
- Oh, my God. - We love you.
- Enjoy the vineyard. - You boys be good, now.
Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
Bye!
"We love you"? What are you doing? Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?
- I'm in character. Shut up. - It's weird.
Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.
Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?
Dude, I don't have a fake ID.
How are we going to get drugs for the party?
Oh, no.
We got a pound of coke.
We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Pound of marijuana?
- Best party ever. - Boo-yah!
To a brilliant idea
from my brilliant brother
that I love so very much.
And this is going to fucking rock.
- Cheers, man. - Cheers.
- Who invited you guys? - I did!
The party's here!
- What's up, Zack? - Hey, buddy.
What's up, Roman?
This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.
Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.
Do we have enough chips?
Is this playlist too dance-y?
- Feels too dance-y. - Too dance-y?
- What are you talking about? - I don't know, it just feels dance-y.
What are you doing?
- That's my mom's Kokopelli vase. - I got it, I got it.
Doug, Doug, hey!
Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.
Such a bad joke.
Terrible, terrible.
- You guys know each other, right? - Yeah.
Get ready, get ready, there's Eric. Wait for the signal.
And then you come in here looking like a rock-solid 10.
What?
What's up, man, how you doing?
Eco Suave.
Whoa.
Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.
Very Native American.
Yeah, our parents are actually
- Really into Native American... - Let's rock and roll.
- Sorry. - What are y'all doing?
- Come on. - Did you guys even see Eric?
Seriously, did you not see Eric?
No offense, man, but your brother sucks.
Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.
- Man, let's bounce. - We're out of here, man.
No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here you just got here.
Come on, let me at least give you a tour.
Okay, boys, come on, we did it, we can do this, just go,
just go as fast as you possibly can.
Taking out the SIM card.
Taking down Eric with the SIM card information
Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.
- Are you drunk? - No.
Have you even been drunk before?
- No, but... - Give me this.
- What? - Can we get some bitches up in here?
'Cause it's just boys right now.
No, you can't get any bitches up here.
This is my parents' bedroom.
- What the fuck, bro? Some privacy! - Shit, shit, shit!
And that is a really gross three-way.
But what was the girl in the back doing?
Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.
Cool, yeah.
Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,
but we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?
Dude, tell me about it.
Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.
It's extracting right now.
Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?
Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."
Shit! It's a bust.
- Keep it casual. - Yeah.
- Go with the flow, dude. - Cool, man.
- I don't like to make plans or whatever. - You got it.
- Thank you again, though, man. - All right.
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?
Hey, why you here, Scott?
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?
No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.
Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.
Got other commitments on that front, so, you know...
I wasn't asking.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.
- Yeah? You sure? - I got this one.
Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.
- Don't worry about who I am. - I'm worried about it.
- Why? - 'Cause you're at my party right now, dude.
This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg,
and you're coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop,
metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew,
and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"
- It's that kind of party? - Yeah, dude.
Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?
- No, it's getting real. - It's getting very real.
Yeah. It's like seven strangers living in one house. True story.
- You want Real World? - Yeah, let's do it, man.
- Come on. What's your Real... - Here's Real World.
What was that? Did you hear that?
Real enough for you?
Schmidt. Doug.
- What do I do? - Hit him!
Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!
Fight normal.
Yo, I'm serious.
Sorry.
- I'll fucking kill you! - I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!
Seriously, use your words, use your words!
I kicked him in the nuts.
Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!
No, watch my mom's shit, man!
- I'm gonna fucking kill you! - You'll knock over my mom's vase!
- Fuck your mom's vase! - Fuck this!
Oh, shit!
Yeah!
That's my brother!
- That was insane! - You're so cool!
Did you see that shit? That was crazy.
Oh, shit.
When did I get stabbed?
That's awesome.
Yeah!
Is that a cop?
Where?
No, it's not. Here.
I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.
I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.
Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.
It's like we're living with a narc.
The boy is an angel.
Pull it out!
Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!
Sorry!
Okay, let's take some shots.
Shots, shots!
That's like us fucking Mother Earth without a condom.
What the fuck is going on?
Annie, hang on.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!
I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!
The mom is coming!
- Listen to me! - Chill out! Chill out!
- Let go of me! - You're embarrassing me
- In front of my friends! - Get back here, you shit!
Dude, that was so crazy, man.
I swear, best party I've been to in years.
Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,
- Like, all the time, man. - I bet you are.
Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!
You, dude, I like you, man.
How do you feel about making a little extra money?
Whatever it is, I'm in.
All right, here's the deal.
Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like.
Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,
I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?
- Cool with me. - My man.
That is my man...
That was nuts. I lost you guys.
Hey, thank you again for the party, man.
Yo, yo.
Come on!
"I love dick"?
You think that's funny?
"Wonder Years douche"?
What kind of a sick animal draws
an ejaculating penis into an 8-year-old's mouth?
It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?
I know all about dick and balls!
I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,
when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it,
you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...
Dude, I have a surprise for you.
Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone
and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,
so we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.
What?
- What if you had gotten found out? - But it worked.
This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,
so, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?
I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad you have something to do.
Good.
What's up?
Great job, Schmidt
- Password! - Kneel before Zod!
You may enter.
Thank you, Zod.
Let's tap that wire, huh?
We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.
We were going to test what blows up.
There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right?
Not that I can think of that would make sense.
Go for it, go for it.
- Look out. - Go, go, go!
Yes!
Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
That's what I'm talking about!
I love this science shit!
This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.
Are you texting Molly?
What?
I don't... Molly...
Maybe. Is that...
Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.
I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.
I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.
I just, like... I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?
Ja feel, ja definitely feel.
- Yeah. - Schmidty?
Schmidty.
Phyllis.
- I'll be right back, dude. - Okay.
Hey. How are you?
- How is my favorite police officer? - Okay.
Your mother told me that you are undercover.
Listen, now is not a really good time.
Are you undercover right now?
Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.
Are those the bad guys over there?
Do they have guns? Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.
I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.
I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.
- Where is my phone? - Okay, okay.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Shut your fucking mouth, you understand me?
Let's go check this out.
I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.